Saturday, July 6, 2013

There is no Magic in our Practical

There are moments in your life where small bits of new information can change so much of what you thought you knew about the past.

I experienced one of these moments this summer, at Shara and Ricky's wedding.
I ran into an old friend who had a lot to say about a person who I no longer keep in touch with.
This turned out to be one of those situations where your initial reaction to all of this knowledge is "I would be better off not knowing".
But the truth of it is, that learning all of this made it much easier to deal with my current situation.
I had been really sad and dwelling on the situation for months.
After the shock of all this new found information wore off, I felt relieved.
I no longer felt the need to beat our situation into the ground and replay every scene of our friendship falling apart.
It was like all of a sudden it all made sense. There was a reason for all of it.
It felt comfortable to just let it go.

On a second thought... I certainly had moments where I had to ask myself, "How possible is it that most of this is a lie?"
It's definitely a possibility.
But the sad, yet reassuring answer was that ... it all felt true to me.
As crazy and terrible as some of the things that I learned were... I was never truly in disbelief.
Every thing that I learned sounded exactly related to something else that I already knew to be true.

In the harshest of words.... I felt that I would be "better off without her".

The one question that still remains an occasional occurrence in my thoughts is, "how different would things be if she had been willing to talk to me?"

I would like to think that things would be completely different.
I am an accepting person. An understanding person. A compassionate person.
If she had ever thought to be even the slightest bit open or honest with me.. I would have never turned her away.

But instead, she made me out to be a fool. Ten years of foolishness is enough for me.

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